3 Women Discuss Why They Prefer Loud Sex
"I have never had a man complain..."
If you watch the average porn video, it seems like every woman is screaming her head off, even if the guy doesn't appear to be doing anything that could be perceived as sexual. But in real life, most people are relatively quiet in bed as a default setting, and may take their volume cue from their partner, or bring the noise only when someone has done something truly spectacular. Cosmopolitan.com spoke with three women about what it's like to prefer loud sex in a world that gives them mixed messages about what being loud in bed really means.
How old are you?
Woman A: Twenty-four.
Woman B: Twenty-five.
Woman C: Twenty-three.
What's your relationship status?
Woman A: I've been living with my boyfriend for about two years.
Woman B: Single, but actively dating.
Woman C: Single.
Did you always like to have loud sex?
Woman A: No, but not because I was embarrassed about it before. I first started having sex when I was in my teens, but I didn't have the freedom to be running around having sex wherever or whenever I wanted to, so it had to be as quiet as possible so no one found out.
Woman B: Not always. I had a tendency to stay quiet with my first sexual partner in my 20s. I think it was a combination of insecurity and not knowing exactly what I was doing. Now that I have more experience, I've gained confidence, and I'm not afraid to vocalize pleasure or be louder.
Woman C: No, it wasn't until I finally got a place of my own that I was able to be loud. I was always too worried about waking up my roommates or my parents. Once I was on my own in my own place, I was finally free to let out sounds of passion.
What was your journey from being quieter in bed to being louder in bed like?
Woman A: Once I turned 18, went to college, and really started exploring my sexuality, I discovered I really liked being vocal and loud during sex. I never decided specifically that I wanted to try being loud or anything; it just sort of happened. I was having fun and trying new things, I was feeling adventurous and open, and I wasn't afraid to be vocal about how good sex felt.
Woman B: I really think it was the confidence I gained that allowed me to be louder. I think I'm naturally loud, but it took me a while to be comfortable with moaning and dirty talk. Now being louder just enhances my sexual experience because it allows me to react the way I want to, while also making my partner more confident in his abilities.
Woman C: I was always quiet before because I didn't want my roommates to make fun of me or know what I was doing. Instead of being loud, I would hold it in by biting a pillow or my partner. Then, once I was finally on my own, I started to let loose, albeit slowly at first. I started by making a few quiet moans here and there, and then once I became more comfortable with myself, the moans and the things I'd say in bed became much louder.
How many partners/times did it take you before you were finally able to be loud in bed?
Woman A: I'd say it took a couple of times (two or three) of being with a partner before I really got comfortable with them and felt free to really express myself vocally during sex. However, sometimes I had a one-night stand with someone I'd just met that night and we were able to have a one-night stand where I was super loud and wild and passionate. It just depends on the chemistry I have with someone. Also, if they are being totally silent, then I feel a bit weird being loud.
Woman B: It took me about six months of consistent sex with one of my partners before I was able to be loud in bed. By my next sexual partner, I had a better idea of what I wanted.
Woman C: It took me about five times, and each time, I tested the waters a little more and found that the louder I got, the more the guy was into it.
What were your fears about being loud before you finally let yourself go for it?
Woman A: I don't think I really had any fears about being loud. I always thought men would be into my being loud anyway so I wasn't too self-conscious about it.
Woman B: My first partner was very sexually experienced and I was not, so I was afraid of him judging me for doing or saying the wrong thing. Once we broke up, I made the active decision that I was going to have sex for me and not just to please men. Now I do whatever feels natural and good for me.
Woman C: At first I worried that other people would hear me and know what I was doing, and I was also worried that guys would think I was some weirdo who gets too into sex.
What was the process of learning to let go and be as loud as you wanted like?
Woman A: Alcohol definitely helped to loosen me up, and allowed me to not focus so much on what kind of noises I was making or what I sounded like and just let it come naturally.
Woman B: Like I said, it was really just about having the active mindset of pleasing myself and doing what feels good for me.
Woman C: It was really just about experimenting with it a littler more each time. With each new partner, I always kind of test the waters at first, but once I'm comfortable in the situation, it just happens naturally.
Were your partners usually encouraging of your being loud/louder?
Woman A: Nine times out of 10, yes. Men think it is super sexy when a woman is enjoying herself in bed and being vocal about it, but there is always that one guy who just doesn't have the same style that you do in bed and it's kind of awkward. Or he's not making any noises at all. Those are the only cases when I tend to feel weird about being loud.
Woman B: I don't really get feedback on that during the act but I've had men tell me they like how loud I am afterward.
Woman C: Yes. My partners thought it made the experience more exciting, although once there was a guy that seemed to be embarrassed by it.
How long do you date someone before you're as loud as you want to be in bed?
Woman A: It depends on the person and the chemistry, but if I am going to date someone, I wouldn't wait too long before being loud because that's how I like to have sex. With my current boyfriend, we had loud, passionate sex the first night we met and we still do it to this day.
Woman B: I'm loud right away. I definitely don't try to put on an act to please men.
Woman C: The first time I'm trying to see if we mesh well so I might not be that loud, but the second time I don't hold anything back.
If you're currently in a relationship, does he accept how loud you get? Do you like how loud or quiet he gets?
Woman A: Letting yourself go and fully enjoying yourself with a person is a great feeling. I wouldn't say my boyfriend is necessarily "loud" in bed, but he is very vocal and lets me know what is feeling good and moans a lot so we are never completely silent. It adds to our pleasure a lot.
Woman B: I'm casually dating somebody right now and he definitely enjoys it. He's not loud though and I always try to find ways to get him to talk and/or moan. I'll ask him how it feels, if he's enjoying it, or tell him how much I'm enjoying it in order to elicit a reaction. It doesn't always work though, which, to be honest, is probably my one issue with him in bed.
Are there ever times you like to be quieter in bed?
Woman A: When we are having slow sex or making love or [having] morning sex, we're usually quieter. It really just depends on the moment and the mood.
Woman B: Yes. I think variety is good. It just depends on the situation and the sex position, etc.
Woman C: Yes, there are times when being quiet or sneaky is just as exciting as being loud.
Have you ever had neighbors complain about how loud you are? Did it bother or stop you?
Woman A: I have never had any neighbors complain about how loud we are during sex. Luckily, we have pretty thick walls in our apartment and we haven't heard anything from anyone yet. However, in college, my roommates and friends definitely heard me getting it on more than a few times but that's never stopped me from doing what I want when I am in the moment.
Woman B: No. I share a bedroom wall with my neighbor, but it has never been an issue.
Woman C: I haven't, but I know they can hear because I can hear them sneeze, so if I can hear them doing quiet activities, I know they can hear my loud ones. I haven't stopped being loud because of that but it can be an embarrassing ride down the elevator the next morning knowing that they know what I did last night.
Have you ever had any partners who had a problem with how loud you were?
Woman A: I have never had a man complain about me being loud in bed.
Woman B: No. If anything they comment on how much they like it, because they take it as a compliment on their sexual abilities.
Woman C: Not really, but there was one partner who seemed less excited and less into sex once I got louder, so I tried to reel it in.
Do you ever try to be quieter in bed because it's what your partner wants?
Woman A: No, I do not and I don't think anyone should. Having sex is a different experience for everyone and everyone requires different things. You should do what makes you feel good.
Woman B: No. I've never had somebody ask me to be quiet.
Woman C: Yes, because I want the experience to be pleasurable for everyone involved. However, if I'm not allowed to be myself in bed, the chances of me and that partner having sex again isn't likely.
Ideally, do you like your partners to be loud as well?
Woman A: I like it when my partner is loud and/or vocal during sex. For me, it is a confirmation that whatever I am doing is feeling good and I should continue doing it. It shows me that they are enjoying themselves just as much as I am.
Woman B: I don't think I've ever been with somebody who I'd classify as loud. I'm usually the loud one in the situation. I'd definitely be interested in being with somebody who was loud too, because I'd associate that with more pleasure. When I'm watching porn, I prefer videos where the men are being loud/vocal.
Woman C: I like them to be loud, but not louder than me. I think being loud is encouraging to your partners and can help express what you really like and what you don't.
Have you ever encountered someone who was louder than you were in bed? How did you feel about it?
Woman A: I have never encountered anyone that was louder than me in bed, but I don't think I would mind if I did.
Woman B: No, I haven't.
Woman C: Yes, I was super weirded out by it, which is hypocritical, but it just felt really forced and was definitely too loud.
What do you think is the biggest misconception about women who love loud sex?
Woman A: That they are "slutty" or "easy," or sound like a porn star. People who shame women for being loud during sex are complete hypocrites because the majority of pornography features women being loud and vocal during sex.
Woman B: I think there is a misconception that women are "putting on a show" or trying too hard to be loud. For me, it's more of my natural reaction to pleasure. I don't proactively think, I want to be loud today.
Woman C: That they are always loud every single time they have sex. It's fun to mix things up in sex, and I can be loud or I can be quiet.
What advice would you give to women who want to be loud in bed but can't?
Woman A: Feel free to be as loud or quiet as you want in bed. If you can't be loud due to your location, thin walls, or you live with someone else, try using a pillow to yell into or lie facedown with your face in the covers. Holding back how loud you want to be can sometimes make it harder for you to enjoy sex because you are holding back in general, which can impair how much pleasure you feel. Also, don't feel pressured to be loud during sex every time if you don't feel like it. Sometimes you might just need silence and to concentrate on what you're feeling. Just do what comes naturally to you and enjoy yourself in the moment.
Woman B: Give it a try. If you're worried about your partner judging you for being loud, do you want to be with that person anyway? If being loud is what comes most naturally to you, then you should be loud.
Woman C: Start slowly and get louder and louder at your own comfort level. Plus, if you are a loud lady, it will eventually just come naturally.